All the Lies of Miss N
The narcissist who will almost destroy your life
Narcissists who stalk other people live their lives in their head. They think that they have rights to someone and imagine that they can literally own a person. They think they are in control, and it’s only a matter of time before the person they adore caves in. A stalker has an imaginative, one-sided relationship with their victim. The scope of this stalker psychosis that Miss N lived in only became apparent to me when she turned from friend to enemy, and directed her black PR campaign techniques against me. One thing you need to know about Miss N’s imaginary infatuations and stalking was that she had a real boyfriend at that time. They were in a relationship, but she was always dismissive about his looks and mental capacity. She fantasized about several men at once, being in a relationship with someone that she didn’t idealize at all. Before I delve into my story, you need to know that when I knew her, there were seven people she claimed were “her men”. None of them were interested in her romantically; they either had no contact with her or were just regular friends. Some of them were married, and others were in long-term relationships. During the course of her stalking and smear campaigns, some ended things with their partners (not that these events were in any way related. It was just life.)
Miss N was one of those women who treat feminism as a fashion choice; they think that being progressive is a consumption style, not as much a belief system. Those women will wear bleached dreadlocks, baggy pants, ride vintage bikes and claim they are liberal and progressive — then hurry back home to make sandwiches for their partner, phone his mother and lay out his outfit for tomorrow. My city is full of these phony, quasi-feminists, who think they are liberal because they refurbish 70’s furniture, and pick out statement items in second-hand shops, while firmly believing that a woman is just an addition to her husband, that marriage is an exchange of money and services and that women are to blame for everything that men do and want. They look like hip, modern ladies, but as soon as they open their mouth, it’s like their brain time-traveled here from 1895. Girls, it doesn’t work like that. Either you’re a real liberal or a conserved brain pâté. You can’t be one and pretend to be the other. You need to choose.
All the lies of Miss N met eager ears-ears prepared by this odd regression of feminist thought. I suspect that whoever listened, and passed it on must have been — like her — a firm supporter of all the outrageous sexist misconceptions of a bygone era. Otherwise, they wouldn’t have believed a single lie she said.
Well, what did she say? She built a smear campaign that spanned years, built on one lie, that a man I was with, was in fact “her man”, even though they had never been in a relationship. The unfairness of the false rumor she had created, was always obvious to me. Miss N and the man in question were never romantically involved. Naturally, I thought no one would believe it, it was so ridiculous. But no. It turned out, no one cared about it being ridiculous. She construed the story in such a way that no one ever knew the whole truth.
Years later, it started happening on regular basis, that people who I’ve never met in my life, but were connected to Miss N’s circle, expressed an aggressive attitude, as soon as we were introduced. Right from the start. Some random person, I met once at a party, would leave a hateful comment on my fb status. Some complete stranger would be mean to me for no reason, and make weird insinuations. I didn’t know what it was, that these people thought they knew about me, so I had no way of setting it straight. People rarely reveal, what it was, they heard about you. They just attack you, out of the blue and you had no idea what caused it.
It all began when Miss N and I became friends. She had a habit of targeting women she considered more attractive than her and then gossiping behind their back, trying to undermine their position. Sometimes she would befriend them, bomb them with narcissist admiration and then ditch them, which was often accompanied with a bout of gossip and defamation. She would also target handsome men and stalk them. She stalked them in person, on social media and then spread crushing rumors about their girlfriends. She targeted single men and couples. Miss N would obsess about several men at once, constantly talking about them and defaming their girlfriends. One of them was a man she had met through his fiancée. She claimed she was in love with him, just like the other men she was stalking. After some time, he and his fiancée broke up, but somehow he stayed friends with Ms N. She tried everything she could to get him in bed with her but he refused. He friend zoned her and simply wouldn’t touch her. He just wasn’t attracted to her in this way. This went on for months and he firmly rejected her advances, which made her furious. Finally one day, after another failed attempt of getting him to sleep with her, she decided she’s over it. She had invited him to stay with her at her Dad’s country house, but he refused to do anything sexual with her. She came back devastated. He friend zoned her again and it was clear that nothing would change his mind.
“He means nothing to me” she said, finally accepting what he tried to communicate to her for months if not years. “It will never work out. I’m done with him.” Right about that time, all of us were hanging out in the same places and parties. I always ignored him, knowing that Ms N liked him. At some pint, even though I knew he wasn’t the perfect partner for me, I thought we could give it a shot, since we were both single, and have been for a couple of years now. I asked her if she would be OK with this. Even though she earlier said that he meant nothing to her, I just wanted to double check. She said, “Sure, go ahead and try”. I later learned that she was hoping that nothing would come out of it. “ Go ahead, I don’t mind.” She gave him my phone number and we started texting. She seemed OK with the situation. Right about the time we were about to meet for our first date, she learned from him, that he was really looking forward to it. That’s when everything changed. A close friend of hers later revealed that she was sure that we wouldn’t hit it off. Then, we’d both be in the “rejected by the same guy” club. But that didn’t happen and Miss N was furious. She called me, on the day him and I were supposed to meet, demanding that I call off the date. Of course I said no, as we were already great chemistry and were texting all the time. “You had your chance, when I asked you”, I said. And frankly, my friends thought it was too much to even ask her. We were all consenting adults. We were not bound by any promises or romantic relationships. The guy had thought about asking me out for months, but never believed anything could between us. So we met and had a great time. But Miss N wasn’t having it. Even though she knew he would never be with her, even though she and I talked about it, and she said she was perfectly fine with us dating, she turned everything around, as soon as we hit it off. We met two days after the date and she went totally bananas, calling me a “traitor” claiming that “I stole her man”. They were never together, never kissed or slept with each other, but she still insisted he was her man, like a batshit crazy, narcissist stalker she turned out to be. “You said you were alright with this,” I said, over and over again. “No you don’t understand. I can’t lose two single friends” she whined, making everything about her, as she always did. “You won’t lose any friends” I said.
But she did, when she decided that we were her “arch-enemies”. What bothered her, was our happiness and that we’d be in a relationship she couldn’t sabotage, like she had done with the relationship of all her male friends. She’d usually gossip about their girlfriends and romantic interests and throw in a sentence like “OH, SHE is doing it with EVERYBODY” and that would be enough. I mean, how do you cross-examine a rumour like that?
Long story short, her insane psychotic jealousy started a bout of gossip and gaslighting that continues on to this day.
She went as far as claiming that I was “after all her men” when her ex-boyfriend expressed vague interest in me. To debunk this idiotic rumour — I was never after anyone’s man. I mean, what would be my incentive? I don’t see how that would be constructive in any way shape or form. Real friends are happy for their friend’s happiness. When your happiness bothers someone, they are probably a narcissist sociopath and parasite, not a real friend. But she had sabotaged and destroyed people before. I didn’t understand what she was doing, even though I was there. But to fully understand the scope of her destructive behavior, you need to hear the whole story.
Leena
Miss N, Leena and I were college friends. I didn’t have any classes with Leena, but I was friends with Miss N. Leena was a model and an overachiever. She was very focused on studying and planning her future career. She was in love with her boyfriend, who was equally attractive as her. How do I know this, without having met her? Miss N told me about her. She pointed to her face and told me her name. She told me about her handsome boyfriend. Miss N told me, that she was „in love” with him. This is why she tried to sign up for the classes he was taking. The lovely couple never did anything to Miss N. They never did her any harm, they were never even mean to her. They barely registered her existence. Whenever she talked to them in class, she was sweet, funny and endearing. But as soon as they weren’t around, Miss N would dish on Leena. I guess it was easy, simply because Leena was pretty. „She’s a model” „She’s such a bimbo” „She’s so shallow” she’d dish on her, using all the typical negative stereotypes associated with attractive females. And then she’d add her personal favorite „She’s just a dumb back country broad”. For some reason, Miss N used that term to describe every woman who dared to be with a man she liked. Miss N would pick a handsome guy, befriend him, and then obsess over him, even though he was completely uninterested in her. The more he ignored her, the more obsessive she became.
There were three different guys in our college, miss N claimed she was infatuated with. She’d try to sabotage their relationships as much as she could, setting everyone she knew against their current or prospective partners. Without her stories, we wouldn’t even know who these people were. We wouldn’t recognize their face, passing them in the hallway. I never cared for her gossip. I didn’t engage in it. I didn’t really pay any attention to it. Miss N would come in, and do her one-man show, performing her soap opera monologue, “Ooooh he’s so handsome, he’s got those long fingers. He’s so tall. He is soooo amazing.” She’d go on telling everyone how her heart fluttered when she saw him in class today. And to top it all, she’d make sure to describe how horrible, stupid and worthless his girlfriend was.
We all came to terms with the fact, that it was just Miss N’s thing, and frankly, which I now say with shame and regret, we found it a little entertaining. Years later it occurred to me, that not taking her dumb ass head and laying out for her what a fucked up psychopathic bitch she was, was the most heinous sin of omission. I never put the two and two together — how these seemingly harmless things she said about Leena, were the exact same things she said, to get back at me. I also didn’t realize the level of destruction she caused her. I didn’t realize it because I never believed what Miss N said. It was just her crazy thing. I never really took it seriously. But that doesn’t mean, that other people did the same. Years later, I spoke on the phone with one of my friends from that time.
„Did you know that Leena was on the radio?”,
„Oh, I didn’t know.” I said.
„She was interviewing some famous psychologist. Wow, I mean that’s weird right?”
„Why is it weird?”
„Well you know, I mean she’s such a bimbo”
I was speechless for a moment. I didn’t know what to say. I remember thinking You don’t even fucking know this person. You’ve never even spoken to her face to face. And he said it with such confidence, as if it was as factual as the law of gravity. That’s when it dawned on me. People took Miss N’s fantasies seriously. I mean they just listened to her blurting out whatever she imagined would help her case and took it for a fact. They took the product of pure envy and accepted it as part of reality. And then they kept on supporting these fucking lies, for years and years and years, after everyone had gone their own way.
Most people are dumb. I don’t see any other explanation for this. When a person’s neighbor turns out to be a serial killer, they’ll say „Oh, but he was such a good neighbor. He always mowed his lawn” Like, what’s that got to do with anything? And when a young woman spills bile about some other woman, they’ll say „I guess she must have done something to deserve this.” The common misconception is, whoever is the object of a gaslighting campaign, whoever finds themselves attacked, spat at, and insulted, must have done something to attract it. Well, no, not really. In the case of Miss N it was enough to be fairly attractive and happily in love with a man she fancied, to be chosen as a target and become a victim of a relentless smear campaign.
Miss N didn’t graduate from college. She skipped on writing her thesis, having more important things to do. Being a popular socialite requires time spent on.. mostly talking. Leena did graduate and write her thesis, making Miss N hate her even more. It didn’t dawn on any of her friends, that maybe Leena wasn’t really a „dumb bimbo” as she was the one with a master’s degree, not Miss N. Miss N decided that psychology wasn’t her thing, and enrolled in another college, to study something entirely different. There, she found new victims to stalk and new relationships to sabotage. At that time, we weren’t close friends. I met her on rare social occasions, usually in the company of other people. I heard, just like every one else, everything she said about her new targets. Her new object of desire was Mike. Unfortunately for all concerned parties, but mostly his wife, Mike was married. „Have you seen Mike’s wife? She’s like the dumbest back country broad. I mean she works at Tesco.”
Here’s the kicker, these people are still friends today. I mean he has no idea, what went on. He didn’t know at the time, that Miss N was „in love with him”. He didn’t know she was thrashing his wife behind his back. The evil genius of Miss N’s strategy was to spread rumors among friends who weren’t that close with her victims’ girlfriends. There was always this impenetrable wall, which prevented anyone from knowing what she said and about whom she said it. But the bad vibe and the dislike for these slandered women, sometimes circled back to them. Maybe it wasn’t much, nothing more than entering a room full of people and seeing a wall of judging faces. But still. A fake rumor, passed on from one mouth to the next, „She’s dumb” „She’s a bimbo” „She’s doing it with everybody”, circled wider and wider, to acquaintances, work colleagues, who passed it on to their friends, who passed it on again. In the end, no one knew where the rumor had started and if there was any credence to it. Nobody fact-checks rumors.
At that time, I didn’t even know that female stalkers existed. Stalking was something fairly new in our society. People didn’t talk about it much. A friend of a friend sent me his story. His female stalker followed him around, threatened his life and sat outside his house for hours. Miss N didn’t do the scary, aggressive stalking. She just attended the same classes as her victims. She stalked them on social media. She took their photos, showed pictures of them to her friends, with derogatory verbal commentary. Due to her detailed reporting, we knew things about people we have never even met. We knew who they were, what their names were and what they did for a living. She made fun of them, made them known in her circle, even though none of her friends knew them. She talked about them incessantly and slandered their girlfriends. Seems innocent right? Sure, at some point, people had enough of her talking. We’d say „just give it a rest…” Once she „wore out” the material, she’d just move on to the next person. She would find a new man to stalk, pester and obsess over.
Men want what they want. It’s not up to you, me or anybody. Arthur Schopenhauer said „A man can do what he wants, but he cannot want what he wants” and he was right. We cannot choose whom we like.
Miss N was a textbook narcissist. She was pathologically jealous. She believed in the power of manipulation. In fact, she believed that all relationships are just two people manipulating each other. She didn’t believe in love, she didn’t even believe in desire. She just thought, that women manipulate men into wanting to have sex with them, because according to her idea of reality men are completely deprived of any free will. She didn’t think that people could just fall in love with each other. But what is the moral of this whole story? People like Miss N destroy people’s lives. If your friend talks badly about someone just ask yourself — what are the facts? Are there any facts? Can you check these facts? Do you know this person? If you can’t test what is being said, just tell your friend to shut up. Don’t be a tool in their hate campaign.
